Earlier that day David and I had attended what they called a curriculum night at her school. There was also a "Dogs & Dads" event where all the kids brought their Dads to have a hotdog dinner with them and then they talked to the Dad's about their watchdog program. While they were talking to the Dad's they invited all the kids to go out to the playground while some of the teachers and parents volunteered to watch them. I wasn't really interested in listening to the watchdog presentation so I went outside to watch Natalie play and enjoy the beautiful afternoon. My parents were in town visiting and Stephen had stayed behind to play with them. It was one of those rare moments when I was just there to watch Natalie and had no distractions.
Well something about it made it just become one of those moments. Pure happiness, amazement, and intense gratitude all wrapped up in one emotional moment- watching her play on a playground with her peers. The playground was VERY full, crowded, and joyfully noisy. It was a scene I would picture from Sesame Street- everyone just playing. She didn't see anyone that she knew, but that didn't stop her from joining right in and having a good time. I watched her run from the play area to the back of a field where some kids were kicking a ball around. I watched her run full speed with her long perfectly tanned beautiful legs and that fluffy skirt bouncing all around her as she ran--not a care in the world. And she was sporting her newest edition survivor shirt.
Maybe it was that. Maybe it was me seeing her ten minutes before having her typical tummy trouble on the playground that stopped her playing cold in its tracks--I can spot it a mile away--and went and got her up and inside. How uterly happy I am that most days she works through it and can go right back to playing. Of course I wish it wasn't a factor at all; but how can I complain? She went right back to playing and wasn't even phased.
Really I think it was watching those legs- those legs that couldn't walk for a time and for so long wouldn't have had the strength or endurance to run like that. And being on a school playground was the other factor- I don't think I have ever seen her at recess at school. That really hit me- in the back of my mind there were times that I wondered if she would make it to school. It was such a milestone. To see her playing--just a normal kid. Beautiful and healthy. Running....
Funny how it can still hit you out of the blue when you don't expect it. I suppose I will spend my entire life being surprised by those little tender moments that suddenly overtake you--when you remember everything you have to be thankful for. They happen less often- and even though it is sometimes also a reminder of hard things, it is more of a sweetness; because when you remember those hard moments you have an intense happiness for little things in life that you might not particularly notice otherwise.
The last year has been a very good thing for me. I had the chance to talk to my Dad a little when he was here about how I felt emotionally about things with Natalie and the evolution of where I have come to. I have changed a lot in my thinking over the last year and really feel good about it. Maybe that is why it is easier for me to start writing a little- something that I have always wanted to do. Maybe it appears backward looking to some for me to still think about Natalie's journey and want to go back and write things I remember; but for me it is not. It has to do more with what I value and who I have always been. Maybe one of these days I will write more about the changes in my thinking- but for now it is a little too personal. But good to be able to put it in words and share it.
