May 2007 An Emotional Goodbye & Memories

Being in Utah on vacation reminded me of this trip we took to Utah four years ago.  This isn't the last trip we have taken to Utah, we went back two years ago as well.  But I suppose I thought of this trip more because it was such an emotional time for us- that always makes memories stick more.  Also, on this trip we did some of the things that we did four years ago that were very memorable to me...

As I rounded the corner up Grandma B's walkway, I saw that David had the kids standing on the porch alone ringing the doorbell just like he had Natalie do four years ago.  I LOVE this picture and thought of it right away.  Now I have two beauties to stand there in excited anticipation.  And oh the excitement when the door to Grandma's house opened.  I hope they will both always remember that feeling and Grandma's tears and hugs at seeing them.    

Going to the petting zoo at Thanksgiving Point this time reminded me of our trip there four years ago.  I LOVED that Natalie got a chance to feed this baby cow and I loved telling her about how I used to feed our cows Chuckie and Sid with bottles just like that--only I had to do it EVERY single morning and that wasn't always a picnic in the winter.  It was fun to share those memories with Stephen this time too and see how cute he was with the animals.   

One of my favorite stories I was able to tell them is how Chuckie and Sid would sometimes get so excited when they got their bottles that they would yank the nipple off and spill all the milk.  Even though it was kind of cute; I always hated when that happened because I would have to make another bottle and start over.  Some of my other fun memories of our cows was the time I was in the kitchen on the phone and one of our cows had gotten out and came right through the screen door and into the kitchen.  Cows are stubborn and he was a little bigger; I was trying to push him out before he went to the bathroom.  I was starting to panic because I didn't want a mess on the floor and I couldn't get him to move.  It is one of my funniest memories with our animals on our farm.  How fun to be able to share some of that with my kids. 

Isn't she precious?  She loved riding on the pony--I think this was her first pony ride ever!! 



Greeting and hugs and loves from her adoring fan club. 
Some things never change!



Becks!  We love you.  I don't think there could be a better, more suportive sister in law.  I have admired Becky since I met her as a teenager and my love and appreciation for her has only grown over the years.  There are some people who just seem to be your biggest cheerleader and supporter and Becky has been one of those people for us.  During the early days when Natalie was in the hospital she called almost every day to find out what was going on.  Besides our parents we didn't take the time to talk to many other people but she was always one of them. 


Can't believe how big they are ALL getting.  Look at little Melinda- a little Dora look a like.

Did I mention that we always find time to play games when we are with Becky?  Cute little Natalie checking things out while Auntie sets up a game.

Oh my goodness, I loved her "Elmo-Zoey Shoes."  Aren't we funny that we name the shoes around our house!!  These shoes were just about as special to me as her Blue Sparklies.  When she got home from the first nine weeks (almost consecutive) in the hospital- her shoes no longer fit.  She hadn't worn them because she refused to get out of bed much--so after we got home it was time for new shoes.  They HAD to be Elmo shoes since she had fallen IN LOVE with Sesame Street and especially Elmo her first week in the hospital.  Oh Elmo was SO special!!!!  I could write a whole post about Elmo memories!

This picture is in Grandma's backyard.  I love this one because it was probably the first time she had played outside very much since she got sick.  She had been to the park a few times but her legs had still been very weak and she couldn't walk well- not to mention the darn 'abdominal pain' that kept her from playing.  She was SO excited to be with her cousins and was having a good week, we were finally having a little better time with her tummy after some of the worst months with it.  I was SO SO SO happy to see her outside playing- it made me cry. 

Her shirt says, "I'm as precious as they come."  Hard to have a shirt with a truer statement. 

The other thing that made our trip to Utah two years ago so emotional is because we were there for my Grandfather's funeral.  My Grandparents had been staying down at my parent's house in Nevada dealing with some health things.  My parents had gone to Hawaii with some friends for the first time.  My two youngest brothers were still at home helping my Grandparents who were doing better by then.  My grandfather got up early one morning to go to the bathroom and had a massive stroke as he got up and fell to the floor.  My brothers woke to my Grandmother screaming for help.  Apparently my brother Justin, who is autistic, came in tried to get him up and ended up holding him the entire time until the ambulance came.  He hasn't been willing to go into that room since then.  My parents cut their trip short and rushed home.  David, Natalie, & I got in our car within an hour of hearing the news and actually beat my parents home. 

It was very emotional for us all.  Everyone came to say goodbye--my Grandfather was vocal about his thoughts and anyone who knew him knew that he did not want to be kept alive artificially.  My mother later told me how grateful she was that Natalie was there.  She told me how much Natalie's spirit and sweet personality lightened the mood.  Even though she often didn't feel well and was battling her own steroids, she could feel when others were sad and acted to try to make it better.  Not to mention that she was ADORABLE.  It was a bit stressful because two of my Mom's brothers were a little pulled away from the family and I think Natalie being there helped pull them in smoothly. 

I like this picture- Natalie is checking out Grandma's beads.  Natalie loved beads even back then.  All her gear is next to her--her blanket is an absolute must--she always needed it when she had tummy pain.  That was OFTEN so we always had to have it on hand.  It didn't have to be a certain blanket- just a blanket.  Her bumble bee bag was what we used to carry her medicines in--something to make it cute and fun.  That sweet bag was given to me by the first pediatric cancer patient I met after Natalie got diagnosed.  A sweet girl I will never forget even though I don't remember her name.  In this picture you can see the supplies of her bag out because she is in the middle of getting her IV zofran.  She had to be on zofran to keep from getting sick every six hours back then. 

I think this is the sweetest picture.  I love it.

In the picture where she is sitting playing with beads, you can tell she is doing ok.  This picture she isn't feeling as well.  You can kind of tell by her face if you are perceptive.  You can see she has climbed into her stroller so she can lean against something (she always had a way of propping and leaning her body that I guess helped her deal with the discomfort she felt).  She has her blanket now and it is pulled all the way up.  She also has her special, favorite baby doll.  She got this doll the Christmas right after she turned one.  Who knew she would end up looking like twins.  She used to take this baby doll to clinic with her and the nurses would comment that it was her "twin."  Funny, but she actually named this doll, "baby doll." 

I cropped this picture, and was amazed at how sweet this is once it was focused in on just her.  I feel a lot of emotion when I see this picture.  You can see her 'old soul' in her eyes. 

I went back to the hospital later after everyone had a chance to say their goodbyes to be there when they disconnected my Grandfather from life support.  I had never been so close to a person in the process of passing before.  I think we were all surprised when he breathed on his own after he was disconnected from life support.  It was difficult.  The decision was made for my Mother to take her Mother and Father back home so he could pass away there.  It was a four hour drive north.  We went back to my parents house thinking we would try to stay, knowing there would be a funeral soon and not sure exactly what to do with the limbo.  David needed to work and Natalie had clinic appointments to get chemo- but we hated to make the eight hour drive back and then back again.  It was hard on Natalie to travel--although she never complained or asked for breaks.  We could tell it made her body hurt though.  There was no way we were willing to fly with her immune system being so low either.

A sort of funny thing happened.  We ended up staying in the room my Grandmother had been staying in before.  After the stroke she stayed up near the hospital where Grabndpa was.  Grandma came to get her stuff and pack it up and being distraught, she gathered up Natalie's chemo and took it with her thinking it was her medication.  I remember kind of freaking out--David and I had decided early on that we would always be 100%- we never missed or forgot a dose--EVER!!!  It is hard for us to understand parents that did.  We never cheated on the 2 hour ban on eating before and after chemo either.  So it was a stress to be away from home without her chemo.  When we got home our oncologist got us a new prescription and joked that they knew they at least had ONE family who gave the at home chemo (apparently there are parents who don't do this). 

We did end up going home to wait while my Mother took care of her father on hospice care.  She has told me that those were the longest four days of her life.  It was hard and emotional for me and I wasn't there.  I can't imagine how it was for her. The funeral was a time to come together as a family and to get in a trip to Utah (we hadn't been there since before Natalie got sick) and spend time with David's family as well.  It was special having Natalie at my Grandmother's house (I lived in this house for four years as a teenager before my Grandparents moved there from Seattle).  So it was a neat chance to show Natalie where I lived and to spend time together.  My Grandmother's backyard made an impression on her- she still remembers it.  She only went there one other time for a few hours besides this trip. 

Audrey- the blondie personality!  This is David's niece.  She came and spent time with us because she didn't want to not be with Natalie. 

Sweet sleepy girl.

Love this!!!

So, I don't know if you can tell from this picture but I think some bordeom was setting in for men that might rather be watching sports than sitting around talking.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this picture of David and my Dad goofing around and being silly.  I can't say how important it is to me that the two most important men in my life get along and respect each other so much.  David grew up without a Dad and has always loved and respected my Father. 

This is my Nat in Grandma's backyard.

I love this picture of Natalie and her cousin Daniel.  They are six months apart.  Both my sister and I were pregnant on this trip.  My sister was three weeks ahead of me and just about into the no travel time of her pregnancy.  I was surprised her doctor let her come.

On her knees from abdominal pain.  This picture reminds me of another moment on that trip that I didn't take a picture of but will always stick in my mind.  It was a moment of abdominal pain that broke my heart and devestated me for her.  It wasn't unusual, more of the same as always, but she was trying SO hard.  We went to eat at Thai' Village and the green grass outside the restraunt was SO beautiful and the weather was so perfect.  There was a wait and so we were waiting out there and all the kids were playing on the grass.  She was running, in her little semi-unstable way, I think it was the first time.  She was SO happy and thrilled to be playing with her cousins.  That was motivating her to run.  It was so wonderful for my heart and then she kept falling to her knees with that horrible pained looked and terrible body posturing that I can see a mile away and had come to hate so much--I hated seeing that.  That day more than ever.  It always hurt me to see her hurt- but when she was trying so hard and having so much fun- I hated to see it interrupted and the stark juxtaposition on her face: from joy to trying to endure (of course never a complaint).  That is something I will never forget.

Natalie in front of the cherry tree that she remembers even now!

Back to not feeling to well and needing to be held by Mommy.

I still remember people coming up during the viewing and patting Natalie's cute, little bald head.  Her steroids weren't making her feel well and being out of town while on steroids (especially after having recently finished the month long delayed intensification dex that was still in her system) was hard for her to deal with.  Stressors always made it harder for her to deal with the emotional effects of the steroids and I remember her not really liking people touching her head.  The steroids were always hard because they made our happy and sweet girl moody and made it so she wasn't the "people person" she had always been.  

I also remember how she was concerned about my reaction to seeing my Grandfather in the casket, I am pretty sure this is a shot of her comforting me.  She had such a great understanding and so much empathy.  Granndpa's funeral obviously had an impact on her because even now she will talk about it.  She talks about Duchess, Alexa, and Grandpa Hawks being in heaven. 



My grandfather was a veteran of the Korean War and had a full military salute at his funeral.  I know serving in the war had a great impact on him- I think he had difficult memories that he dealt with from it but also had interesting stories to tell.  He was an amazing man with more personality than three normal people.  He LOVED to talk (maybe that is where I get it from) and especially loved to talk to strangers.  He especially LOVED to tell stories and would tell them to anyone who would listen stories- often times these stories seemed to have questionable credibility but they were fun to listen too.  He and my Grandmother were high school sweet hearts and got married young, I know my Grandmother still misses him a lot.  I do too. 

After she sweetly put her rose on the casket and said goodbye, she decided she really did want to keep that rose after all and decided to take it back!  I will always remember that. 

Lollipops & Lilacs

For a long time I have been sad that I never kept a journal or wrote about any memories of Natalie going through treatment until the last seven months or so.  I have wanted to go back and record those memories for a long time but it is a little overwhelming--I am forgetting things I thought I never would so I am especially motivated to start doing this now. 

Several years ago I read part of the book about the man who founded 'Give Kids the World.'  It is the place kids stay when they take their Wish Trip to Disney World.  It is an amazing place full of love where you are welcomed in and  enveloped in a warmth like no other place I have been to.  The man who started this place was a Halocaust Survivor- learning about the Halocaust and especially seeing the triumph of the human spirit during this horrible time in history has been an interest of mine since I was a very little girl. 

In his book he wrote how he,"remembers in moments," when I read that it spoke to my heart.  I think that is how we all do it.  I know I do--memories have always been a part of me and the little memories that pop into my head as I am reminded of them from smells, sights, objects and such are important to me.  That is the way I experience memories I have of Natalie's treatment--they come at random moments to me, prompted by things going on around me or things I think of that remind me of something.  I remember good things and things about her that are amazing as well as hard--some are just random things and some are things that taught me and are still teaching me today.  Funny, how if we let them; we can keep learning new things from our own life history as our prespective changes from the growth and new things we keep learning in life.  I think that is the value of memories.  So, I have decided the best way to try to record the memories that I have that are important to me is in the way I remember them--the moments--the important parts that come back to me.  For years I have said that I wish my heart was like a camera so I could capture the feelings of those special moments forever--maybe I can't capture the feelings, but having some of the memories written down will help ME to remember those feelings and is important to my heart. 

In my life I have always had a great appreciation for the past and the future--but you know that phrase 'stop and smell the roses'--it seems like that was always a great struggle to me for some reason.  The appreciation for the past has always been there for me- I have a great love of history that I remember having since I was a small girl and as for my own personal memories--I think that is influenced a little by my genes.  I think I have a little bit of the pack rat mentality from several of my grandparents--and it seems to have all coalesed in me.  Sometimes I watch that show Hoarders to scare myself:)  So that has always been with me since I was literally itty bitty.  I'm impatient too--and as a kid I was always in a great hurry to grow up or to get to the next thing.  I was motivated and had a lot I wanted to do.  I am a dreamer too and as a kid I loved to day dream--really in part both things are because I have a brain that never stops so something is always going on in there--thoughts bouncing around.  David teases me that I have a hamster in my brain that I make run on a wheel and that I never give the poor thing a rest.  He can't believe that when I sit next to him on the couch while he watches sports that I am not even watching the tv--poor hamster he tells me:)  One day he was surprised at something I hadn't taken note of because I was in my thoughts and he asked me in a lovingly, playful way if I was dreaming about, "lollipops and lilacs."  For some reason I just loved that--hopefully that is true most of the time:) 

One thing that I am happy to report is that ever since I have had babies I have become much more of a person who likes to 'stop and smell the roses.'  I am no longer in a hurry for life to rush along at a break neck speed--I want to slow it all down, like time spent on the bank of a lazy river in the sun--something that even when I was little and in a hurry I would have been happy to spend hours doing.  I am pleased that my heart has found so much satisfaction and love for this time of my life where I get to be with my children and my husband and I am in no hurry for it to rush by.  It is interesting but this is all wrapped up in my feelings about what I was going to 'be" in life.  I was going to be a career person--I ALWAYS wanted children and there was never a question in my mind that it was the most important thing, I knew that as much as I knew I needed to breath air--no never a quesiton there.  But I always thought I could have it all and do both--but it never felt right.  From the time I became a mid teen, it felt like a serious angst in my life- I always felt a back and forth feeling about it--NEVER felt right.  When I finally made the decision (the month before I got pregnant with Natalie) to not pursue any more education for the time and not work after I had children- it finally felt right.  Something I never expected.  When Natalie was a baby things were tough financially from a car accident I had been in- there were some oppourtnities that came up to work and in a way I felt guilty like I should help out--but each time I listened to that terrible angst in my heart and decided to keep sacrificing and not work.  When Natalie was diagnosed so many pieces of that puzzle came into place for me--it made sense.  If I had been in medical school what in the world would I have done?  And what if I had put off having babies longer--I may not have gotten them at all. 

When Natalie got sick, it all made sense to me and I had a peace of knowing that following my heart was right and there was a purpose.  All the angst of years over the matter washed away and I have been at peace and enjoying it.  I no longer feel that angst that I seemed to have like a tidal wave of indecision rocking me back and forth.  And for the first time in my life I am not in a hurry- although the future and the past are still important to me and I want to write memories down--it is much more balanced and I am NOT in a rush to get to the next thing.   

The roses with me are as sweet as they can be!!  And the peace I have of knowing I am doing the right thing for me and my family is special--I guard it and treasure it.  And above all, time after time in my life, I have learned to listen to my heart; and what 'feels' right for me and my family is usually right.  I am excited to finally decide to make myself take the time to do something that is important to my heart and write down these special memories--and maybe other thoughts and stories that make me who I am. 

2 1/2 Years Later

Last week I was at Natalie's oncology follow up and as I sat in the waiting room waiting for her appointment; I thought about how long it has been since we were there. We just went through our first six month gap between appointments. I remembered how for SO long "this" was the focus of our lives- appointments, ANC, being careful to avoid infections, abdominal pain, not feeling well, living to see our girl smile, never taking a moment for granted, being so proud of how amazing and brave and happy and joyful she still was...that was our life.

The hard AND the wonderful...
As I sat there, remembering what it felt like to have all of my energy and life focused on cancer and my beautiful daughter; I felt a swirl of emotion. I felt so utterly grateful to no longer have "that" as the center of my life; BUT what a wonderful feeling to still have my beautiful children and my husband be the center of my life. What a good feeling to have moved on and have a life focused on much more normal things. And what a feeling of gratitude to have my daughter doing so well...my heart wished that for each person sitting in that room.
But I also remembered the beautiful parts of the journey- people sometimes forget that those parts are there. Many of those beautiful parts came from our daughter and her hope, light, joy, resiliency, and grace--but the rest came from the beauty, love, and kindness of others. That was truly a part I never wish to forget- the kindness and influence and chance to get to know amazing people.

As I sat in the waiting room; I reflected on how in so many ways it feels like "that" life is so far and long ago and yet in other ways I could almost close my eyes and be back there and remember how it felt in the blink of an eye... Maybe because it is SO deeply emotional, impactful, and life changing and maybe because it does become the focus of your life for so long--maybe that is why it feels so close in some ways.

David and I had actually talked about this several days before I went to clinic and he had voiced similiar feelings of it seeming so long ago on one hand and almost like yesterday at the same time. It really is a strange dicotomy. But time is a funny thing- now as an adult, time flies so fast anyway. Things that happened ten years ago still seem like a short time ago. It is almost more weird that "that" life could feel SO far away than for it to feel like yesterday. I think that is a good sign that life has returned to a much more normal path. We just recently reached longer off chemo than how long she was on chemo and sick; last week was the two and 1/2 years off chemo mark. And just the other day it suddenly hit me that this fall will be five years since it all began- what a different person I am today.

There are still subtle reminders- a G tube (although only used for medicine these days!!), three medications that I don't think she will get off anytime soon, and tummy troubles that still bother her--these things are so normal to us that we hardly even think of them. When her tummy troubles get more out of balance it still reminds us and makes us sad for her; but she handles it well and with grace. I made that comment to her oncologist, that she handles those issues so well and she looked at me and said, "she always has--in fact sometimes it was hard to get people to listen because she did handle it so well." There was clear admiration in her voice. Admiration that I have always felt as well.

As I sat at our standard place doing crafts while we waited for our appointment; a sweet girl came as sat next to me. She was probably ten or eleven. She wasn't bald but when she started talking I could tell the effects of the brain radiation. She was the sweetest thing. She just wanted to chat up a storm with me. She told me that a year ago she was at Cook's and they told her Mama that she only had one year to live and her Mama said "Uh-Uh!!" She told me about her brain tumor, chemo, and radiation; and how she had only been to school once since Christmas; and then she asked Natalie about her cancer. Then she said, "Having cancer changes your life." How true sweet girl! Fighting for her life. Yes, I miss the amazing people and children, but I do not miss the heartache of it all. I do not miss the life centered around clinic visits and hospitals even though it becomes a home that is warm, caring, and comfortable--my gratitude to be in a different place in life is huge and I wish I could stand and cheer for each of those kids and they could come to this side of the finish line where we are- well and healthy.

A few minutes later the cutest little boy came and sat down to do crafts. He was about five and as bald and cute as could be. This little cutie pie had a nurse bring him out because he did not want Mom and Dad to come too--he wanted his independence!! He was a chatty little thing and wanted everyone to pay attention to him. Oh what a cute boy; I couldn't get enough:) But what I really remember is something he said as he chatted with a nurse. He said he was playing a game called "muscle man." When she asked what that meant, he flexed his arm and said, "It's when you ACT like you FEEL strong." Those were his exact words and they really hit me. He didn't emphasize the act and feel- but that is what I heard. I saw that example play out more times than I can count with my Natalie, just like in these pictures taken just three minutes apart- always acting like she felt better as soon as she could muster it. You have to act like you feel strong implies that you really don't--but of course that is what all of these brave kids do- they act like they do anyway. And I would bet you could add to that list smile and be happy even when you don't feel well--but that one wouldn't be an act--they really would feel happy because there is something special and resilient about children.
My daughter has been one of my greatest teachers- all through example. Even if the memories of those experiences are fading (especially for Natalie), she still carries the strength she gained. She is the person she is today because of all she has overcome and that will always be a part of her. I am sure the dicotomy of feeling distant and yet close will remain; but what I hope to especially remember are the lessons and love that I learned.