May 2007 An Emotional Goodbye & Memories

Being in Utah on vacation reminded me of this trip we took to Utah four years ago.  This isn't the last trip we have taken to Utah, we went back two years ago as well.  But I suppose I thought of this trip more because it was such an emotional time for us- that always makes memories stick more.  Also, on this trip we did some of the things that we did four years ago that were very memorable to me...

As I rounded the corner up Grandma B's walkway, I saw that David had the kids standing on the porch alone ringing the doorbell just like he had Natalie do four years ago.  I LOVE this picture and thought of it right away.  Now I have two beauties to stand there in excited anticipation.  And oh the excitement when the door to Grandma's house opened.  I hope they will both always remember that feeling and Grandma's tears and hugs at seeing them.    

Going to the petting zoo at Thanksgiving Point this time reminded me of our trip there four years ago.  I LOVED that Natalie got a chance to feed this baby cow and I loved telling her about how I used to feed our cows Chuckie and Sid with bottles just like that--only I had to do it EVERY single morning and that wasn't always a picnic in the winter.  It was fun to share those memories with Stephen this time too and see how cute he was with the animals.   

One of my favorite stories I was able to tell them is how Chuckie and Sid would sometimes get so excited when they got their bottles that they would yank the nipple off and spill all the milk.  Even though it was kind of cute; I always hated when that happened because I would have to make another bottle and start over.  Some of my other fun memories of our cows was the time I was in the kitchen on the phone and one of our cows had gotten out and came right through the screen door and into the kitchen.  Cows are stubborn and he was a little bigger; I was trying to push him out before he went to the bathroom.  I was starting to panic because I didn't want a mess on the floor and I couldn't get him to move.  It is one of my funniest memories with our animals on our farm.  How fun to be able to share some of that with my kids. 

Isn't she precious?  She loved riding on the pony--I think this was her first pony ride ever!! 



Greeting and hugs and loves from her adoring fan club. 
Some things never change!



Becks!  We love you.  I don't think there could be a better, more suportive sister in law.  I have admired Becky since I met her as a teenager and my love and appreciation for her has only grown over the years.  There are some people who just seem to be your biggest cheerleader and supporter and Becky has been one of those people for us.  During the early days when Natalie was in the hospital she called almost every day to find out what was going on.  Besides our parents we didn't take the time to talk to many other people but she was always one of them. 


Can't believe how big they are ALL getting.  Look at little Melinda- a little Dora look a like.

Did I mention that we always find time to play games when we are with Becky?  Cute little Natalie checking things out while Auntie sets up a game.

Oh my goodness, I loved her "Elmo-Zoey Shoes."  Aren't we funny that we name the shoes around our house!!  These shoes were just about as special to me as her Blue Sparklies.  When she got home from the first nine weeks (almost consecutive) in the hospital- her shoes no longer fit.  She hadn't worn them because she refused to get out of bed much--so after we got home it was time for new shoes.  They HAD to be Elmo shoes since she had fallen IN LOVE with Sesame Street and especially Elmo her first week in the hospital.  Oh Elmo was SO special!!!!  I could write a whole post about Elmo memories!

This picture is in Grandma's backyard.  I love this one because it was probably the first time she had played outside very much since she got sick.  She had been to the park a few times but her legs had still been very weak and she couldn't walk well- not to mention the darn 'abdominal pain' that kept her from playing.  She was SO excited to be with her cousins and was having a good week, we were finally having a little better time with her tummy after some of the worst months with it.  I was SO SO SO happy to see her outside playing- it made me cry. 

Her shirt says, "I'm as precious as they come."  Hard to have a shirt with a truer statement. 

The other thing that made our trip to Utah two years ago so emotional is because we were there for my Grandfather's funeral.  My Grandparents had been staying down at my parent's house in Nevada dealing with some health things.  My parents had gone to Hawaii with some friends for the first time.  My two youngest brothers were still at home helping my Grandparents who were doing better by then.  My grandfather got up early one morning to go to the bathroom and had a massive stroke as he got up and fell to the floor.  My brothers woke to my Grandmother screaming for help.  Apparently my brother Justin, who is autistic, came in tried to get him up and ended up holding him the entire time until the ambulance came.  He hasn't been willing to go into that room since then.  My parents cut their trip short and rushed home.  David, Natalie, & I got in our car within an hour of hearing the news and actually beat my parents home. 

It was very emotional for us all.  Everyone came to say goodbye--my Grandfather was vocal about his thoughts and anyone who knew him knew that he did not want to be kept alive artificially.  My mother later told me how grateful she was that Natalie was there.  She told me how much Natalie's spirit and sweet personality lightened the mood.  Even though she often didn't feel well and was battling her own steroids, she could feel when others were sad and acted to try to make it better.  Not to mention that she was ADORABLE.  It was a bit stressful because two of my Mom's brothers were a little pulled away from the family and I think Natalie being there helped pull them in smoothly. 

I like this picture- Natalie is checking out Grandma's beads.  Natalie loved beads even back then.  All her gear is next to her--her blanket is an absolute must--she always needed it when she had tummy pain.  That was OFTEN so we always had to have it on hand.  It didn't have to be a certain blanket- just a blanket.  Her bumble bee bag was what we used to carry her medicines in--something to make it cute and fun.  That sweet bag was given to me by the first pediatric cancer patient I met after Natalie got diagnosed.  A sweet girl I will never forget even though I don't remember her name.  In this picture you can see the supplies of her bag out because she is in the middle of getting her IV zofran.  She had to be on zofran to keep from getting sick every six hours back then. 

I think this is the sweetest picture.  I love it.

In the picture where she is sitting playing with beads, you can tell she is doing ok.  This picture she isn't feeling as well.  You can kind of tell by her face if you are perceptive.  You can see she has climbed into her stroller so she can lean against something (she always had a way of propping and leaning her body that I guess helped her deal with the discomfort she felt).  She has her blanket now and it is pulled all the way up.  She also has her special, favorite baby doll.  She got this doll the Christmas right after she turned one.  Who knew she would end up looking like twins.  She used to take this baby doll to clinic with her and the nurses would comment that it was her "twin."  Funny, but she actually named this doll, "baby doll." 

I cropped this picture, and was amazed at how sweet this is once it was focused in on just her.  I feel a lot of emotion when I see this picture.  You can see her 'old soul' in her eyes. 

I went back to the hospital later after everyone had a chance to say their goodbyes to be there when they disconnected my Grandfather from life support.  I had never been so close to a person in the process of passing before.  I think we were all surprised when he breathed on his own after he was disconnected from life support.  It was difficult.  The decision was made for my Mother to take her Mother and Father back home so he could pass away there.  It was a four hour drive north.  We went back to my parents house thinking we would try to stay, knowing there would be a funeral soon and not sure exactly what to do with the limbo.  David needed to work and Natalie had clinic appointments to get chemo- but we hated to make the eight hour drive back and then back again.  It was hard on Natalie to travel--although she never complained or asked for breaks.  We could tell it made her body hurt though.  There was no way we were willing to fly with her immune system being so low either.

A sort of funny thing happened.  We ended up staying in the room my Grandmother had been staying in before.  After the stroke she stayed up near the hospital where Grabndpa was.  Grandma came to get her stuff and pack it up and being distraught, she gathered up Natalie's chemo and took it with her thinking it was her medication.  I remember kind of freaking out--David and I had decided early on that we would always be 100%- we never missed or forgot a dose--EVER!!!  It is hard for us to understand parents that did.  We never cheated on the 2 hour ban on eating before and after chemo either.  So it was a stress to be away from home without her chemo.  When we got home our oncologist got us a new prescription and joked that they knew they at least had ONE family who gave the at home chemo (apparently there are parents who don't do this). 

We did end up going home to wait while my Mother took care of her father on hospice care.  She has told me that those were the longest four days of her life.  It was hard and emotional for me and I wasn't there.  I can't imagine how it was for her. The funeral was a time to come together as a family and to get in a trip to Utah (we hadn't been there since before Natalie got sick) and spend time with David's family as well.  It was special having Natalie at my Grandmother's house (I lived in this house for four years as a teenager before my Grandparents moved there from Seattle).  So it was a neat chance to show Natalie where I lived and to spend time together.  My Grandmother's backyard made an impression on her- she still remembers it.  She only went there one other time for a few hours besides this trip. 

Audrey- the blondie personality!  This is David's niece.  She came and spent time with us because she didn't want to not be with Natalie. 

Sweet sleepy girl.

Love this!!!

So, I don't know if you can tell from this picture but I think some bordeom was setting in for men that might rather be watching sports than sitting around talking.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this picture of David and my Dad goofing around and being silly.  I can't say how important it is to me that the two most important men in my life get along and respect each other so much.  David grew up without a Dad and has always loved and respected my Father. 

This is my Nat in Grandma's backyard.

I love this picture of Natalie and her cousin Daniel.  They are six months apart.  Both my sister and I were pregnant on this trip.  My sister was three weeks ahead of me and just about into the no travel time of her pregnancy.  I was surprised her doctor let her come.

On her knees from abdominal pain.  This picture reminds me of another moment on that trip that I didn't take a picture of but will always stick in my mind.  It was a moment of abdominal pain that broke my heart and devestated me for her.  It wasn't unusual, more of the same as always, but she was trying SO hard.  We went to eat at Thai' Village and the green grass outside the restraunt was SO beautiful and the weather was so perfect.  There was a wait and so we were waiting out there and all the kids were playing on the grass.  She was running, in her little semi-unstable way, I think it was the first time.  She was SO happy and thrilled to be playing with her cousins.  That was motivating her to run.  It was so wonderful for my heart and then she kept falling to her knees with that horrible pained looked and terrible body posturing that I can see a mile away and had come to hate so much--I hated seeing that.  That day more than ever.  It always hurt me to see her hurt- but when she was trying so hard and having so much fun- I hated to see it interrupted and the stark juxtaposition on her face: from joy to trying to endure (of course never a complaint).  That is something I will never forget.

Natalie in front of the cherry tree that she remembers even now!

Back to not feeling to well and needing to be held by Mommy.

I still remember people coming up during the viewing and patting Natalie's cute, little bald head.  Her steroids weren't making her feel well and being out of town while on steroids (especially after having recently finished the month long delayed intensification dex that was still in her system) was hard for her to deal with.  Stressors always made it harder for her to deal with the emotional effects of the steroids and I remember her not really liking people touching her head.  The steroids were always hard because they made our happy and sweet girl moody and made it so she wasn't the "people person" she had always been.  

I also remember how she was concerned about my reaction to seeing my Grandfather in the casket, I am pretty sure this is a shot of her comforting me.  She had such a great understanding and so much empathy.  Granndpa's funeral obviously had an impact on her because even now she will talk about it.  She talks about Duchess, Alexa, and Grandpa Hawks being in heaven. 



My grandfather was a veteran of the Korean War and had a full military salute at his funeral.  I know serving in the war had a great impact on him- I think he had difficult memories that he dealt with from it but also had interesting stories to tell.  He was an amazing man with more personality than three normal people.  He LOVED to talk (maybe that is where I get it from) and especially loved to talk to strangers.  He especially LOVED to tell stories and would tell them to anyone who would listen stories- often times these stories seemed to have questionable credibility but they were fun to listen too.  He and my Grandmother were high school sweet hearts and got married young, I know my Grandmother still misses him a lot.  I do too. 

After she sweetly put her rose on the casket and said goodbye, she decided she really did want to keep that rose after all and decided to take it back!  I will always remember that.