Lollipops & Lilacs

For a long time I have been sad that I never kept a journal or wrote about any memories of Natalie going through treatment until the last seven months or so.  I have wanted to go back and record those memories for a long time but it is a little overwhelming--I am forgetting things I thought I never would so I am especially motivated to start doing this now. 

Several years ago I read part of the book about the man who founded 'Give Kids the World.'  It is the place kids stay when they take their Wish Trip to Disney World.  It is an amazing place full of love where you are welcomed in and  enveloped in a warmth like no other place I have been to.  The man who started this place was a Halocaust Survivor- learning about the Halocaust and especially seeing the triumph of the human spirit during this horrible time in history has been an interest of mine since I was a very little girl. 

In his book he wrote how he,"remembers in moments," when I read that it spoke to my heart.  I think that is how we all do it.  I know I do--memories have always been a part of me and the little memories that pop into my head as I am reminded of them from smells, sights, objects and such are important to me.  That is the way I experience memories I have of Natalie's treatment--they come at random moments to me, prompted by things going on around me or things I think of that remind me of something.  I remember good things and things about her that are amazing as well as hard--some are just random things and some are things that taught me and are still teaching me today.  Funny, how if we let them; we can keep learning new things from our own life history as our prespective changes from the growth and new things we keep learning in life.  I think that is the value of memories.  So, I have decided the best way to try to record the memories that I have that are important to me is in the way I remember them--the moments--the important parts that come back to me.  For years I have said that I wish my heart was like a camera so I could capture the feelings of those special moments forever--maybe I can't capture the feelings, but having some of the memories written down will help ME to remember those feelings and is important to my heart. 

In my life I have always had a great appreciation for the past and the future--but you know that phrase 'stop and smell the roses'--it seems like that was always a great struggle to me for some reason.  The appreciation for the past has always been there for me- I have a great love of history that I remember having since I was a small girl and as for my own personal memories--I think that is influenced a little by my genes.  I think I have a little bit of the pack rat mentality from several of my grandparents--and it seems to have all coalesed in me.  Sometimes I watch that show Hoarders to scare myself:)  So that has always been with me since I was literally itty bitty.  I'm impatient too--and as a kid I was always in a great hurry to grow up or to get to the next thing.  I was motivated and had a lot I wanted to do.  I am a dreamer too and as a kid I loved to day dream--really in part both things are because I have a brain that never stops so something is always going on in there--thoughts bouncing around.  David teases me that I have a hamster in my brain that I make run on a wheel and that I never give the poor thing a rest.  He can't believe that when I sit next to him on the couch while he watches sports that I am not even watching the tv--poor hamster he tells me:)  One day he was surprised at something I hadn't taken note of because I was in my thoughts and he asked me in a lovingly, playful way if I was dreaming about, "lollipops and lilacs."  For some reason I just loved that--hopefully that is true most of the time:) 

One thing that I am happy to report is that ever since I have had babies I have become much more of a person who likes to 'stop and smell the roses.'  I am no longer in a hurry for life to rush along at a break neck speed--I want to slow it all down, like time spent on the bank of a lazy river in the sun--something that even when I was little and in a hurry I would have been happy to spend hours doing.  I am pleased that my heart has found so much satisfaction and love for this time of my life where I get to be with my children and my husband and I am in no hurry for it to rush by.  It is interesting but this is all wrapped up in my feelings about what I was going to 'be" in life.  I was going to be a career person--I ALWAYS wanted children and there was never a question in my mind that it was the most important thing, I knew that as much as I knew I needed to breath air--no never a quesiton there.  But I always thought I could have it all and do both--but it never felt right.  From the time I became a mid teen, it felt like a serious angst in my life- I always felt a back and forth feeling about it--NEVER felt right.  When I finally made the decision (the month before I got pregnant with Natalie) to not pursue any more education for the time and not work after I had children- it finally felt right.  Something I never expected.  When Natalie was a baby things were tough financially from a car accident I had been in- there were some oppourtnities that came up to work and in a way I felt guilty like I should help out--but each time I listened to that terrible angst in my heart and decided to keep sacrificing and not work.  When Natalie was diagnosed so many pieces of that puzzle came into place for me--it made sense.  If I had been in medical school what in the world would I have done?  And what if I had put off having babies longer--I may not have gotten them at all. 

When Natalie got sick, it all made sense to me and I had a peace of knowing that following my heart was right and there was a purpose.  All the angst of years over the matter washed away and I have been at peace and enjoying it.  I no longer feel that angst that I seemed to have like a tidal wave of indecision rocking me back and forth.  And for the first time in my life I am not in a hurry- although the future and the past are still important to me and I want to write memories down--it is much more balanced and I am NOT in a rush to get to the next thing.   

The roses with me are as sweet as they can be!!  And the peace I have of knowing I am doing the right thing for me and my family is special--I guard it and treasure it.  And above all, time after time in my life, I have learned to listen to my heart; and what 'feels' right for me and my family is usually right.  I am excited to finally decide to make myself take the time to do something that is important to my heart and write down these special memories--and maybe other thoughts and stories that make me who I am.